Big Picture?

I live on the fourth floor in a building thats seen better days. The elevator looks like something out of a 19th century steam punk nightmare. Unless the inner and outer doors of the frequently out of order contraption are closed properly then pushing the button in the lobby will only result in the sound of metal clunking and nothing much else.
I pushed the button a few times because it takes a few clicks before it works. After a futile 30 seconds I decide Im going to make the climb up the stairs. When I get to the fourth floor a girl stands at the now closed doors and descending elevator and says, "Oh, did you need the elevator?"
I say "No! Why would someone who lives on the fourth floor be pressing the button for the elevator in the lobby?"
Her eyes sort of go wide and then I walk away.

For all the talk about San Francisco changing and becoming more selfish it finally dawned on me whats really happening. Almost everyone in this city agrees on the larger social issues; racism is wrong, sexism is wrong and just about every other social ill that ends with an "isim" is wrong. What people seem to be failing at is thinking about how their actions might impact other people at the one on one level. You know, like holding an elevator door open when you can hear someone pushing the button downstairs?

Ever see San Francisco residents wearing peace symbols, drinking fair trade coffee on their way to a protest that will stop traffic for moral reasons get pissed when the bus they're on has to stop to pick up a person in a wheel chair? Its like vegetarians in leather pants. By the way, I do know a vegetarian who wore leather pants and when I asked her how she could be cool with that she simple said that she didn't eat the cows. Ah, I see. Killing and eating a cow is wrong but wearing their skin as pants is OK?
Whatever.

Point is, people will come together to rage against the big issues facing society but if they all go to the same protest there is bound to be a fight because someone is going to walk into someone else while they were looking at their texts.
Cheers…

That Unsettling Feeling of Resentment and Desire

Like so many other comics before me, I've driven to gigs only to be told it was canceled or the agreed upon amount I was to be paid suddenly wasn't so agreed upon anymore. Ive been booked at clubs and asked to work bellow my abilities because they want the headliner to look good. Ive been booked on gigs and fired because the social commentary stand-up they hired from San Francisco did social commentary comedy from San Francisco. And all of it, all of the professional and personal slights that come along with it, you put up with because someday, or so the theory goes, you will be the big name headliner.

Some of the hardest moments have been watching an ex-girlfriend get a glowing introduction about how amazing she is and how everyone loves her. She disguised every trace of being in a relationship with me while it was happening with lies to everyone because if people found out we were together it would be bad for her image. Thats what she told me.

A few years ago, when Comedy Central taped specials at the Fillmore, one of the producers told me to let the laughs I was getting start to fade before going into my next joke because everything was being recorded and some of the laughter I was generating could later be used to "sweeten the mix" for the other performers.

Those last two incidents hurt but one was private and one was professional. A few weeks ago I booked a gig. I should never have said yes to it. For the first time an intensely personal wound opened up again and I also realized there was no way I could be professional hosting the show. Sure, I could of called the booker and backed out but instead I thought, lets send a rambling drunk message at 4AM letting him know. Yup. I did that.

If you are a young comic you are going to see friends and ass-holes get something you wanted and that unsettling sicking feeling of resentment and desire will explode in your chest. Thats been hard to deal with over the years. I remember being on the road in the mid-west, two months of mostly shit one nighters in Casinos and C comedy clubs still holding onto the 80's, staying at my oldest sisters home. Over and over again, as I wondered why the hell I am out here again, I would see TV commercials for an ex-roommates show. It was bad enough that all the shitty little gigs I was doing were shitty little gigs but to see commercial after commercial with him on it….man, it fed not a hatred for him but a sullen reminder that I did something wrong. You see, a decade earlier, we were best friends and roommates. It was because of my difficulty letting go of a girlfriend who was fueling my addictions that he lost respect for me. I think I remember the moment when I saw exactly that in his eyes. Eventually, we broke up and I cleaned up. I still had a good name in the local comedy scene, still had money in the bank, a day job and hope for the future but I no longer had my roommate and friend. I went to him. One of the few times in my life I took a chance at showing emotion to another man. I told him I missed him and his friendship.
It changed nothing. It hurt then and it hurts any time I think about it still.

Thats the headliner I was booked to open for.

If you think you have felt every sort of emotion this crazy business can produce in you; wait. One day you might be asked to open for an ex-friend that has not only "made it" but has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you. If that day comes do yourself a favor and just say you already have another gig that night.

Show Me the Money!

I did a guest set at a club in town a few years ago. As the show continued and I stood in back by the bar, a woman from the audience came up to me and said "hey, I didn't get my drink order." I smiled and said, "I don't work here." She got mad and said, "Yes you do! I just saw you on stage!"

"What?" I asked.

"You work here and I want my drinks!"

"OK, did a comic take your order, seat you at your table or bring your food to you?"

"No." She said.

If it weren't for the manager coming over who knows where this would of gone.

Frankly, I will take that level of disrespect over waiting on a check for a gig. Oh well.

I walked away from a gig last month because two people were there for the show. Not only did I not get paid for the gig or even get gas money for the two hour round trip drive, but the couple, whose date night we ruined by not performing, went on Yelp to complain about my lack of professionalism. They were there. They could of come up to me, the booker, the other comic, the bar manager or owner and asked what was happening, but instead, because its the age of communication we live in, they decided to bitch about their night being ruined on line. Beautiful. Im not sure exactly how good or bad the show would of been with two people sitting as far away from the 'stage' as possible but after 20 years in comedy Im not going to dance for two people for two hundred dollars and pretend that its fun. Im worth more and honestly, those two people deserved more, too. 

I did a private holiday party for a small company in Sacramento. Before I went on the guy who hired me said, "do you mind if I post date the check two weeks out?"

My reply, "Ah, no. Not if you don't mind if I only do the set-ups to the jokes and come back in two weeks to deliver the punch lines?"

I got a check dated for that day.

All in a days work for a stand-up. 

The Game of Thrones problem.

I was on the road somewhere, bored in a hotel room, when I found a Law & Order marathon. The episode started with a view of a playground. Small kids play on the equipment as parents watch from the side. Suddenly, the unmistakeable sound of a gun can be heard and a child, no older than 5, falls to the grass. More shots, more children fall as the screaming starts. People start to run, the scene goes black and the Law & Order theme music comes on. 

I shut the TV off. That was it. I realized that so much of my entertainment involved seeing the worst things people can do to each other. Sure, its all pretend and no one is actually hurt, but after seeing so much of what is considered quality TV drama, I suddenly saw it as nothing more than a type of porn. Are we learning anything from all this or do we just want to see these things? What is it about human nature that serious crime has dropped over the last few decades but TV shows seem filled ever more depictions of crime? 

I can't answer any of these questions for myself. I thought about them because I am a huge Game of Thrones fan. Spoiler alert, last week, on the show, a young woman was raped. It was a very hard thing to watch. As someone pointed out to me on Facebook, any scene of rape SHOULD be difficult to watch and if you did feel disgust afterwards that probably means you still have some humanity beating inside you no matter how much of a cynic you think you are.

A lot of people, fans and friends, have said they are done with the show. My first impulse was to defend a show Im a fan of. But then I thought about turning off that Law & Order episode in that hotel room all those years ago. I get it. People feel what they feel and no amount of debate is going to change that. 

Of Dildos and Politics

I posted a photo on Facebook of a bunch of classic Mickey Mouse statues with the caption, Republican front runners for the 2016 White House run. Of course, some people were offended some people were amused and one person suggested that instead of Mickey Mouse I should find a photo of dildos. You can Google photos of dildos & vibrators and have a wide variety to pick from. The thing is, unlike the Republican front runners for 2016, they come in all different colors. Never mind the differences in size, special attachments and unique designs dildos literally come in a rainbow of colors.

We live in an interesting time in an interesting society. People are more accepting of the different colored plastic they are sticking in their holes than of real people of different colors who are tired of being lectured to by ass-holes. 

I think thats the moral of the story.

Things I Said On Stage That Started a Heckler

I imagine, someday in the far future, an alien ship landing on Earth to survey the ruins. They might wonder why this happened or why other creatures might do this to each other but they won't wonder how it was done as one of them steps on an unexploded land mine.

Einstein, married his cousin.

Why is the expiration date on a bottle of vodka shorter than the expiration date on a bottle of water? Why does water have an expiration date on it? Did I just drink a lake before it went bad?

Yes baby, I'm totally fine that Jesus is your personal lord & savior. Just remember, I can't walk on water but like him, I can drink wine.

I saw a car in front of me with a pro-libertarian message. He was stopped at a red light. I pulled up next to him and yelled out my window "Hypocrite!"

Americans new found love of all things bacon is really just secret hatred for Muslims. You know that, right? I'm no fan of any religion but if Americans have proved anything in the modern world, its that you can't have hatred in your heart and high cholesterol. Bacon is killing more Americans every year than terrorists but one is the enemy and one is our right to have!

Walking around with a loaded gun to show your support for the Second Amendment is like yelling Fire, in a crowded theatre to show your support for the First Amendment.

Some military bases do not have to follow any environmental protection laws. Thats why traces of rocket fuel can still be found in the breast milk of of mothers in America. Doesn't every god loving patriot want a third arm to hold a flag? Your damn right they do! and if its a flipper…you join the Navy, son!

If humans ever do manage to create actual artificial intelligence, I think the first thing it would do would be to sit us down and just like your parents eventually had to explain that Santa and the easter bunny weren't real, god isn't real either.

I believe alien beings created crop circles. Not as a way to communicate with us but as warning signs to other galactic travelers. What do I mean? I think aliens aboard a UFO see a crop circle and feel pretty much the same way I feel driving my car on the highway and I see a road sign for Fresno.

Dude, what you order at the drive-thru window tonight is you gonna kill you faster than any terrorist might!