That Unsettling Feeling of Resentment and Desire

Like so many other comics before me, I've driven to gigs only to be told it was canceled or the agreed upon amount I was to be paid suddenly wasn't so agreed upon anymore. Ive been booked at clubs and asked to work bellow my abilities because they want the headliner to look good. Ive been booked on gigs and fired because the social commentary stand-up they hired from San Francisco did social commentary comedy from San Francisco. And all of it, all of the professional and personal slights that come along with it, you put up with because someday, or so the theory goes, you will be the big name headliner.

Some of the hardest moments have been watching an ex-girlfriend get a glowing introduction about how amazing she is and how everyone loves her. She disguised every trace of being in a relationship with me while it was happening with lies to everyone because if people found out we were together it would be bad for her image. Thats what she told me.

A few years ago, when Comedy Central taped specials at the Fillmore, one of the producers told me to let the laughs I was getting start to fade before going into my next joke because everything was being recorded and some of the laughter I was generating could later be used to "sweeten the mix" for the other performers.

Those last two incidents hurt but one was private and one was professional. A few weeks ago I booked a gig. I should never have said yes to it. For the first time an intensely personal wound opened up again and I also realized there was no way I could be professional hosting the show. Sure, I could of called the booker and backed out but instead I thought, lets send a rambling drunk message at 4AM letting him know. Yup. I did that.

If you are a young comic you are going to see friends and ass-holes get something you wanted and that unsettling sicking feeling of resentment and desire will explode in your chest. Thats been hard to deal with over the years. I remember being on the road in the mid-west, two months of mostly shit one nighters in Casinos and C comedy clubs still holding onto the 80's, staying at my oldest sisters home. Over and over again, as I wondered why the hell I am out here again, I would see TV commercials for an ex-roommates show. It was bad enough that all the shitty little gigs I was doing were shitty little gigs but to see commercial after commercial with him on it….man, it fed not a hatred for him but a sullen reminder that I did something wrong. You see, a decade earlier, we were best friends and roommates. It was because of my difficulty letting go of a girlfriend who was fueling my addictions that he lost respect for me. I think I remember the moment when I saw exactly that in his eyes. Eventually, we broke up and I cleaned up. I still had a good name in the local comedy scene, still had money in the bank, a day job and hope for the future but I no longer had my roommate and friend. I went to him. One of the few times in my life I took a chance at showing emotion to another man. I told him I missed him and his friendship.
It changed nothing. It hurt then and it hurts any time I think about it still.

Thats the headliner I was booked to open for.

If you think you have felt every sort of emotion this crazy business can produce in you; wait. One day you might be asked to open for an ex-friend that has not only "made it" but has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you. If that day comes do yourself a favor and just say you already have another gig that night.