We Went to the Moon

Every once in a while you will see someone hold up their cellphone and say, this phone is 100 times more powerful than the computers NASA used to send human beings to the moon. They always say it with a smile to make the point of how fast our technology has come in the last fifty years.
It has never impressed me.
In fact, I find it a pretty sad commentary on what we have been doing with all this tech. What it really means is we sent people to the Moon with vacuum tubes and computers that took up entire buildings using reel to reel magnetic tape but it took microchips, and faster memory to launch Angry Birds.

Instead of using our incredible advancements to keep looking outward we have used it to create apps on phones that keep us looking down.

You might think I am exaggerating but some of the first benefits the public received from the technology that was developed for the Moon landing was arcade video games. That's right. We went to the Moon and what we immediately got from it was Pong, Pac-Man and Donkey Kong.

This past Monday, July 20th, was the 46th Anniversary of the first Moon landing. It barely registered on the news and was only mentioned as a curiosity at the end of shows. The Internet talked about it but only to direct you to websites and YouTube channels dedicated to showing you how it was just a big hoax. Its more than a little ironic that the Internet owes its early beginnings to the space program. The technology that makes all those Google searches for 'proof of Moon landing hoax' possible was originally created by guys who worked with slide rulers in their pockets to figure out the trajectory of orbits; not to make and cash in with their latest app, move to San Francisco and drive my rent up.

It didn't help that we got to the Moon, looked around, brought back rocks, left a plaque signed by President Nixon and then got bored because really it is just one giant barren rock in our sky. But it was supposed to be the start of humanities reach for the stars. Then again, every time you see perfect CGI special effects in a movie where Hollywood latest heroes are blowing up alien invaders I think to myself, of course that's what we would use our computers for now. It is much more exciting to battle spaceships with killer robots than it is to actually go looking for them. Then again, if there are intelligent life forms in the universe, why would they want anything to do with us?

While we are busy spending a billion or so dollars on keeping humans we call illegal aliens out of the country we are spending millions of dollars to look for alien beings from
space. What would more advanced creatures make of this? If, as a lot of people believe,  we are being monitored like the way we might set up night vision cameras to learn about animals in remote jungles, what would they make of our radio, TV and Internet communications? I doubt they would come here and my reason why is the Nazi's. The first TV broadcast with enough strength to escape the Earth was Hitler at the Olympics in 1936. If you watched all of that 'mini-series' play out, would you really want to visit this wacky blue marble? Besides, now we have reality TV shows.

We once thought these signals spread out into space like a giant ripple upon the surface of a pond, forever rushing away from Earth as our first ambassadors of what life is like here. We now know that the signal strength dramatically drops off. There is a lot of dust and radiation that can degrade the signals. However, if we can view and measure the almost imperceptible drop in light of a distant star as an alien world passes in front of it, I'm pretty sure any advanced space faring culture can pick up I love Lucy repeats, which is good, and Nickel Back songs, which is not so good. If aliens are visiting earth it is only to leave warnings for other advanced aliens among the stars. Yup, crop circles are the equivalent of driving in the middle of nowhere and you see a sign that says, no services at this exit.

What about ancient aliens visiting Earth is the past? Maybe, sure. Its possible. My reasoning for this isn't based on the History Channels embarrassing, Ancient Aliens show, its based on something that occurred during World War Two in the Pacific. There were many tiny islands in the Pacific Ocean that were seldom visited. Some had tribes that were barely known and others lived on islands so small and so remote that outside visitors were extremely rare. The Japanese and then Americans, built landing strips and outposts on these distant bits of land. To get the people on their side, each side also dropped food and supplies. When the war ended, so did the cargo drops. How did the tribes, villagers and people on these islands react? They built statues of the air planes they once saw flying overhead with palms, sticks and rocks as offerings to the beings who came from the sky with technology and food in an effort to draw them back. People have referred to them as Cargo Cults. Google it. Look at some of the photos of the 'planes' they built and read about how a 'religion' developed around waiting for the gifts and the people from the sky to return.
Think about churches with statues of Jesus and how they preach of his eventual promised return or the countless ancient cultures that built massive stone temples dedicate to their gods who came from the sky, taught them knowledge and promised they would come back someday. It makes you think, right? It makes me think that if all our cellphones suddenly crashed a 'cargo cult' would spring up with people holding sea shells up to their ears.

Sure, we are sending unmanned probes out to the distant worlds in our own solar system and we have made better telescopes to see farther out into the cosmic void but one of the most incredible photos ever taken has to be the astronaut's on the surface of the Moon and you cant get there with an app on your phone.

Cannon Balls and Christians

In the early 1500's, when cannons became better built and larger, they not only brought down castle walls, they also brought down views of the universe that the Catholic church had taught were fact. Aristotle had said the heavens were perfect and unchanging. Everything up there moved in perfect circles because it was the realm of God. Down here on Earth, where things were not perfect, things moved in straight lines. The problem is if you fired a cannon ball it did not shoot out straight and then drop to the ground in another straight line as Aristotle and the holy church said. However, to ask questions about this was heresy.
The irony is that if you were firing on heretics in the service of the church, and you wanted to actually hit them, you used the heretical system of targeting, setting the cannon at 45 degrees and allowing for the curved trajectory of the ball, and not the Church approved Aristotle view, that said such curved motion did not occur on Earth.
Any time religion has made a declaration about the physical universe it ended up being wrong. The planets are not affixed to crystal spheres. The Sun does not revolve around the Earth. Things can move in circles here on the ground and objects in space can sometimes move in straight lines. These rules may seem silly to us now but these were laws. To question them, even with basic observation, as Galileo did, could get you into a lot of trouble.
If religion has been wrong about the physical laws of the universe then there is a good chance it is just as wrong about the spiritual universe, too.

Religion still informs peoples ideas on everything from what you can eat, who you can marry, what is and is not sin, and how to worship. By the way, historically speaking, there is not a Muslim god, a Jewish god or a Christian god. All the arguments stem from the belief that only one of those religions got what God was saying correct and the others are misinterpretations of his word. That's why when I see arguments between religions that boil down to, my dad can beat up your dad, I laugh because its supposedly the same "dad."
To me religion is best looked at like cellphone providers. They all use the same technology and connect to the same place but one says you have kneel on Sundays, one says you have to wear a funny hat and another says you have to face a certain direction to get a "signal." And just like cellphones I imagine most of those conversations are one sided with people saying, "can you hear me?"

There is no consistency in the rules people follow either. Most Christians can trace their belief that homosexuality is wrong to a single passage in the Book of Leviticus written more than 2,000 years ago. The same book tells people not to eat pork or sea food, yet, here in America at least, bacon is treated as a birthright and I've yet to see any conservative Christians protesting a Long John Silvers because of the all you can eat sea food buffet.
The book of Leviticus also has issues with mixing things. For instance, planting two different types of crops in a single field is a sin and wearing garments made from different fabrics is also a sin. Sins, I might ad, that are supposed to be punished by death. That means if someone is wearing a cotton blend T-shirt with the words written on it, "God hates fags" that person, under the rules of their religion and their book, is equally deserving as being killed as someone who is gay. That's how you know people who hate gay people aren't looking to their religion for moral guidance; their looking at it to justify their own hate. Why else would you cherry-pick one passage about one group of people and forget about all the rules around food, clothing and planting?

These people are still "firing the cannon" in a way that is inconsistent with a modern, intelligent and compassionate society.

Jon Did a Show.

This story is fictional. Its about a performer named Jon. It is in no way based upon anyones actual experience. Got it?

Jon did a storytelling show. He signed what he thought was a contract to have his performance recorded for a future podcast of that show. Jon was surprised when the producer of that show sent him a message about the producer of a much larger company with a bad reputation wanting to use that recording on one of their shows. Jon said, "No fucking way! They are a company that has exploited stand-up comics for content without any monetary compensation. Besides, I don't feel comfortable having my authentic performance edited down for someone else to comment on as they expand their own fame and make money from what I have provided while I am struggling to make ends meet!"

Many emails were exchanged. The company purposed a one time fee upfront and then a 50/50 split on any and all possible profits across all platforms. They also said, hey why don't you come in for this new thing we are doing and we will pay you for that, too. 

Jon went to the building. It was a typical office building today. The lobby was the most aggressively unfriendly place Jon had walked into. All marble and art installation with no seats, soul or security guard at the front desk to let you up stairs. When the guard finally appeared and sent Jon to the floor he needed to be at, he was asked to sign a non-disclosure agreement so he wouldn't reveal any secrets he might see on this special floor. 

There was nothing special there. 

The thing Jon has been asked to do is simply make fun of something. Yet, the host of the show isn't in the same room as any of the other people also contracted to make fun of things. The host is elsewhere but live via the wonders of the Internet. Jon thinks to himself, this is a stupid way to foster chemistry between people but hey, this is how they want to do it so he does it.

After doing the thing the company asked him to do and handing them the contract they asked him to sign, Jon waited for his check. When it didn't arrive in what seemed like a fair amount of time to wait Jon emailed the contact at the company and was told he needed to submit an invoice. Jon thinks to himself, why didn't they tell that to me when I handed them the signed contract that day? Then Jon thinks, is being paid in a timely manner for your performance an old school way of thinking in business? 

It shouldn't be.

As Jon leaves the building that day, after someone from the company sat down with him to explain what a great deal he is getting for his recording, he waits at an elevator. A man child looking at his phone looks up, sees Jon, then looks down again and says to Jon, "I haven't seen you in a while." Jon thinks to himself, it doesn't seem like you are seeing anything and perhaps I haven't been around because I am actually traveling the world, performing stories and jokes, making people laugh and…who the fuck are you again?

When Jon gets home there is a letter from a company that recorded a CD of his. Sure, the clubs air-conditioning wasn't working so the audience, waving anything they could find to create a breeze, didn't respond all that great to never miss bits and sure, Jon was lied to when he asked about turning the air on full blast before the show started (they didn't have any air-conditioning) and Jon sees that the royalties accrued so far haven't reached the threshold of $25 before they send a check out for a work of art he isn't proud of, but Jon thinks to himself, I'm sure that theatre in town will get back to me after that unexpectedly well attended story show the day after a major holiday in America, but no. They don't get back to him and so far Jon hasn't seen a single dollar from that show either. Jon gets mildly depressed but the next day a letter from Comedy Central shows up! So far, the show he was on forever ago, hasn't reached the place yet where Jon can expect royalties from them either. Discouraged, Jon contemplates suicide. Don't worry, people. Jon can't afford a gun.

Only the Truth is Funny

Yesterday, after Donald Trump announced he is running for president, I posted this joke on Twitter:

"I believe Donald Trump will run this country like a business. He will burn it to the ground and collect the insurance money."

The first response was this:

"Democrats destroyed Detroit"

My response:

"Yeah, you might want to put that comment somewhere that makes sense. This was about Trump."

His response:

"You claim Trump would destroy business yet a reality check would say otherwise."

And then my response to that:

"You're being ironic sticking up for a buffoon reality TV host, right?"

No response after that. I suppose this is what passes for political discourse and an exchange of ideas on the Internet these days. Donald Trump may have a scary amount of money and even lots of popular support but lets not kid ourselves, America. Its all free PR for a fame whore who inherited his money, filed bankruptcy twice and like so many other things in this country he didn't really become successful until he branded his image and became another loud mouthed reality TV star snorting fame and spitting a catch phrase. 

I post a joke and a troll under a rock with WiFi comes back with, "you claim…" No. I don't claim. I made a joke. Also, I have no idea about the local politics of Detroit but I do know that Obama, a Democrat, saved the car industry centered in Detroit when every Republican was willing to let it die…including Trump. But hey, facts should never get in the way of your point. What ever it was.

This morning I got an email from my website. I don't know if its the same troll or just another wannabe taking a shot at me but the email was brief and just said "Why would I get my information from a stand-up comic?" Here is why. We now live in a country where politicians who don't believe in climate change serve on environmental commissions about climate change. Lobbyists for the oil & coal industries write laws about pollution for the oil and coal industry and the news, reporting all this, has become the biggest joke so why wouldn't the most credible information and opinion come from comics like, Jon Stewart? 

Stand-up comics are the only ones allowed to actually say the truth because as any comic whose spent more than a year telling jokes can tell you; people laugh loudest when you aren't telling jokes but just telling the truth. 

I will always remember that when I started stand-up at the Holy City Zoo in San Francisco, there was a chalk board in the back by the bathrooms. There was always a comment or joke written on it. This is one that stuck in my head.

"A good comic tells the truth. A good audience hears that as a joke. A successful club books jugglers." 

Sigh.

Girl with the Eagle Tattoo

Sometime in the mid 90's I was inside the Ben & Jerry's on Haight Street. There was a stunningly beautiful girl in line ahead of me that everyone was looking at. She could of been a model for the mid-90's waif girl. I'm sure that was a blog at the time. In the style of the day she had on low rise jeans and a T-shirt two sizes too small for her. When she turned around everyone in the store looked at her. She looked right at me. My eyes instantly dropped to just above her waist. There, rising from beneath her impossibly tight jeans, was a vivid tattoo of an eagle. She gave me a tentative smile that went flat when she noticed my eyes in the vicinity of her "eagle" and then another guy behind me said, "Cool tat!" That inspired me to ask, "Is it a bald eagle?"

Why do I tell you this embarrassing story? Because almost a decade latter I was contacted by this girl who is now a 35 year old woman who saw me perform recently and suddenly realized where she knew me from. She works with high risk girls and told me that the day I first saw her was the first day she showed her tattoo off. She told me she felt so uncomfortable the way all the men looked at her that she never wore low rise jeans again. I asked her if my comment made her feel awful. She said that it was the funniest comment anyone made that day but it was still creepy. Ugh.

There is a story here about the pressure society puts on young women and girls to dress in a provocative way  but its not mine to tell. Sadly, my part was to be the creepy guy whose comment lingered on years later in her head. You never know what effect you will have on another person. You never really understand what we leave with them in our chance encounters. Today I got a rare experience. Today I was shown exactly how I impacted someone else. Its a cool thing to see and even a more cool thing to feel like there has been growth since then.

The Call

The Three O'Clock Call

In the 90's, if you were a stand-up comic in San Francisco, this is how you got on the much coveted Monday night showcase at Cobb's. At 3PM, where ever you were and whatever you were doing, you stopped, got to a phone and dialed the number to Cobb's comedy club. Almost instantly you would hear a busy signal. You knew that all over town, every one of your friends who was a comic was doing the same thing. If you had a day job and worked in a office, you took advantage of the numerous lines you could dial out on at once. If you had roommates who were comics and there was a house phone you all shared, you flipped a coin to see who would go first. If it was close to 3 and you saw a phone booth, you got to it, dialed popcorn to make sure you weren't dialing too soon, and then waited with your quarters to start dialing. I left the end of movies early to make the call. I got into fights with girlfriends over stopping everything, and I mean everything, to make the call. I got in trouble at day jobs, yelled at by strangers who wanted the phone booth and looked at me like I was mad if I was at someone else's house and asked to you the phone. This was right before cellphones started showing up in everyones hand, too. The ideal situation was to use a land line while you were using your cellphone as one of your friends also dialed on their phone. Everyone, and I mean everyone who was anyone in San Francisco comedy at the time, did this.

You would dial, get a busy signal, hang up and repeat the process till you got through. If you did get through, you would get Tom. He didn't so much answer the phone as much as he spit the name of the club into your ear, "Cobb's!" Then you would say something like, "Hi Tom. It's Joe Klocek. Can I get on tonight?" 

Thats when you heard the familiar sentence, "Try me next week." That was that until next Monday.

By 3:03 it was all over. The 12 spots had been filled. My class, the group of friends and comics I came up with, checked in with each other after the call. Around 3:05, Tony Dijamco's phone would start ringing. "Did you get on tonight?" He would breathlessly answer the phone.

"Nope. You?" went the usual refrain.

Tony became the clearinghouse for information about who got on and who didn't for that night. But we also discussed what Tom had said. Ok, sure, he told most everyone the same thing, try me next week, but how did he say it to you? Was there a lengthy pause where he seemed like he thought about putting you on? There were countless discussions about the way Tom turned you down the way conspiracy nuts debate the merits of the single bullet theory in the JFK assassination. 

"But when he said it, how did he say it?" was a pretty common question over the phone at 3:05 in San Francisco back then. 

Tony would field everyone calling in with the same question "Who got on?" If One of us had, Tony would tell. "Rodney and Dan got sets! Thats my other line. See you down there?"

And then, one day, for no particular reason Tom might say, "OK." and you were on! That got you on the showcase but one set does not get anyone in. Once you got on, you still called every week and hoped to get back on. Once you were getting on regularly, you hoped to move up the list. The other part of this is the list. It created status. It worked like this. If you were a new comic, you got 5 minutes in the first hour of the show, maybe a 7 minute set. The second hour of the show was made up of more experienced comics getting 10 to maybe 15 min sets and then the last hour of this three hour showcase would be heavy hitters, maybe two people splitting the hour among themselves with the headliner being the comic Tom thought had something special. If you were on that night, you would show up and the list would be taped to the podium by the door. You would find your name, look at the time you were suppose to go up at and how much time you had. The numbers were all printed clearly by your name; your order and amount of time, so no one could say they didn't know and if you went over your time, heaven save you from Toms wrath! 

Everyone noticed where everyone was on the list and how much time you were given. If one week you were ahead of someone and the next week that person was now before you, it could mean you were moving up or, it meant Tom was fucking with both of your heads. There was as much discussion about where you were on that list as there was about what Tom said when you called. You knew someone was in if they were getting 15 mins somewhere in the last half of the show. There was also a clear way of moving up. Every once in a while Tom would pull one of the comics out of the whole thing and make them the house M.C. That meant they got to host one week a month for six months and at the end of that you were bounced up to feature status. For a local stand-up, the next big goal after you get in at a club is to move up from opener to feature. To be told you would be the next house M.C. at Cobb's meant you would be featuring at both clubs in town by the end of a year. I can't emphasize enough how big a deal this is for a comic.

Everyone wanted on at Cobb's because the thing it had going for it was Tom. There are as many opinions about Tom as there are stories. I can only tell you this. Tom insisted you push yourself to be creative. Tom demanded you do more than just make a room full of people laugh. Its not a revelation to realize there is more to comedy than making a room full of people laugh, but it was a revelation to find a club owner who was willing to risk profit so we could find our voices. If you were good at crowd work, he made you work on your material. If you were playing the hits constantly he would make you do your "b" stuff so you could find a way to be stronger with it. If you were a comic who was generic and didn't push the envelope in anyway, you didn't last. These were paid crowds, too. Not some random open mic in the back of a bar with a shitty sound system, this was a beautiful looking, pro comedy club down in the Wharf. They got lots of tourists just walking in and some of the biggest names in comedy worked that small room based on the reputation of it. Tom grew his regular audience as much as he pushed the comics. You could come any weekend not knowing who was working and be blown away. If the Punch Line was considered going to comedy high school, back then, Cobbs was comedy college and if you wanted in you made that 3PM call till you didn't have to anymore. 

Once I got on and then in at Cobb's, the 3PM call got easier. I would call, say hey Tom and he would say, you're on. Then, I would use my phone to help get a friend on. I was getting up at the Punch Line on Sunday nights and even opening at both clubs when one night, everything changed.

My best friend in comedy, Dan and I, were down at Cobbs. Tom was in a peculiar mood and was pulling comics aside after their sets and handing out the benefit of his knowledge. The only more terrifying than fearing this man didn't know you existed as a comic was enduring his advice as a comic. Word spread fast and one by one people went up knowing Tom was paying attention to everyone that night. Standing outside the showroom, Dan and I were talking about a joke, a girl in my life or are dreams of world dominion based on our comedy. You know, the usual stuff. Tom walked up to Dan and said, "Follow me to my office."

As soon as Tom said it, he was already moving toward the office door rapidly as Dan and I traded looks. Just a few moments later Dan emerged without Tom in sight and told me, "Tom made me the house MC!"

I was happy for my friend but I felt the first of many poison twinges of resentment for getting something I wanted. Thats when Tom "appeared" at my side, turned to me and said, "Follow me to my office." Just like with Dan, he took off almost as soon as he said the words to me and just like before Dan and I looked at each other with anxious eyes. Toms office was tiny. It had a desk with a computer, no window and a calendar with the names of the headliners written on each week. Tom pointed to a week on calendar "Are you available this week?" He asked. "Yes" I answered without really knowing. "OK. Thats your feature week. You're a feature. You're ready."

And just like that I went from one of the funny guys in town to the guy people watched. It was the start of a three year period in my life where I was at the top of the local comedy food chain. I loved it. I truly truly did. When I look back now I see all the reasons I peaked when I did and all the reasons I am still here writing this. it was my season of magic and the happiest I have ever been as an adult. I was broke, had bad teeth and owned two pairs of jeans but I've never been happier or felt more creative in my life. 

Metting a Trolls Mother

Trolls. They make the internet…interesting? On Facebook I usually just ignore them. Why waste perfectly good wit on someone who thinks Jay Leno was good? I think people treat their Facebook pages differently. We all have our own rules that we follow. One of mine is that I don't go to a strangers page and post photos, memes, comments or links that I know will not be welcomed. As much as I think all religion is crazy I don't go to a Christians page and post those opinions there. I post them on my page. People who disagree are welcome to comment on my page about those opinions unless they become abusive or weird.

Its odd to me that people will leave comments on my page that are mean spirited and expect me to A) put up with it because, as hecklers at live shows also explain; You're a comic! and B) that I won't go to their page and leave comments. As I said, I've never really done that… until yesterday.

First, this is what I posted on my Facebook page-

Why is it when a major storm hits a liberally minded state its called a punishment from God for some sin but when Texas floods its just a natural disaster? Or maybe there is a God and he just answers prayers a little late. Remember a few years ago when Texas was suffering from a major drought? A big part of the state was literally burning with wild fires. Governor Rick Perry cut funding for fire fighting, because taxes are bad, and asked the people of the state to pray for rain. 
True story!
Well, now they have more rain then they know what to do with and the big debate isn't about improving their infrastructure to deal with a changing climate. Nope. Instead, its about allowing the open carrying of guns at schools.
I guess in a few years they can fire bullets at hurricanes, that clearly aren't punishments from a vengeful god, but also aren't a result of climate change bringing more extreme weather. Right?

This is when I met Matt. Here is the comment he posted-

"Why are all your posts politically motivated. Do the best at what you do and you can run politics and stop whining non stop on Facebook like you have something to prove."

After a few other friends responded by explaining that social-political commentary is what I sort of do he responded to them with this comment-

"Well apparently he needs a leno training on how to not set up every pol joke like hes venting something someone bent him over on as a child."

Just for once, I thought,  why don't I visit this guys page and leave a comment? Instead of calling him names or giving carer advice as he so generously did, I went sugary sweet sarcastic and posted this to his wall-

"Dear Matthew,
I want to apologize for whining on my personal Facebook page. You know, the one you asked to join when you friended me? You have taught me a valuable lesson. It is wrong to whine on your personal Facebook page but it is perfectly OK to go out of your way and let people know you think they are whining. Again, on their Facebook page. The one you friended. Anyway, thanks for making the Internet and society a better place. Because of your beautifully worded and concerned message I will try to no longer whine on my page.
Cheers."

Now of course Matt has friends and family and of course when they started to reply to my post on his wall I continued to reply to them in the same passive-aggressive grateful tone. It drove them nuts! No matter what anyone posted, swear words or insults, I replied as sarcastically sweet as I possibly could. It actually was sort of fun. I see why trolls do this sort of thing now. But here is the best part. After an hour or so of doing this imagine my surprise when Matt hadn't responded to anything yet but his mother did. Thats right, the trolls mother started to reply to comments and I just continued doing what I was doing. Nothing mean or weird, it was sort of sweet the way she defended her moron son, too. As the afternoon wore on into the early evening and the comments from his friends and his mom piled up, I had to get to a gig. As I walked in the door this is the message Matt sent me-

"Joe are you bored? Lol I love the bla bla bla you make me laugh your a comedian. My mother never talked to you so also love your new post typical joe just yapping on fb about all his problems (although all based off your world inside your head) if you want to be a comedian or a radio show pundit you better pick one way or the other soon lol then you won't have to be stuck in the middle wondering why both don't work"

I'm not one to judge things like spelling or grammar. I seldom get those things right so I'm not criticizing that. Still, I have no idea what he is attempting to say in this message. Trolls are like that. You post something thought out and the trolls leave comments you need a stupid to smart translator to figure out. But again, why waste the time on this little project, right? Heres why.

Eventually, one of his friends or someone enjoying the whole thing posted on Matt's page that I'm actually pretty funny. Most of his friends, and mom, thought I was being rude, weird and strange.
I decided it was time to end this by posting, "you mean its rude to go to someones Facebook page and leave outlandish comments? Hmmmmm. Interesting. In fact, to show how annoying trolls are I decided to troll your page all day and everyone here was too dense to realize it. P.S. I might be whining on my Facebook page but at least I don't have my mommy fight Facebook battles for me that I started."

Thats right, I decided to troll a troll in the hopeful belief that maybe next time, before he leaves a poorly worded alphabet soup of stupid on someones post, he thinks twice about doing it. Who knows if that will work. I doubt I'll do it again and if I ever do I doubt the persons mommy will jump in to defend their offspring. Still...holy shit that was funny!

Trolls, stupid comments, mean spirited debates and slightly blurry memes represent a lot of whats passing for communication & connection over the Internet. We have built this incredible tool that gives access to the sum total of human knowledge but the most active people on the web often times feel like spokespeople for why our society isn't better.

As a watcher of documentaries on YouTube its more fascinating to read the comments section sometimes. I don't know why ignorance has the loudest voice on YouTube but if you have ever spent more than a few minutes watching stuff there, you know exactly what I mean.

Late last night I watched a documentary on the failed expedition of Sir Ernest Shackleton to the Antarctic. It has to be one of the most amazing true life survival stories there is. From 1914-1916, 27 men attempted to sail to the icy continent, cross it and endure the adventure. Everything went wrong. They lived on the ice for more than a year, sailed one of the most turbulent seas in the world in tiny life boats, hiked 36 hours across an unmapped island and eventually after Shackleton made it to safety, it took three tries to get a ship and rescue the remaining men he left at a beach on another uncharted island.
All of the men survived. Like I said, its a pretty incredible story. I highly recommend checking it out. Anyway, the point is that these are the most popular comments left for this hour and a half PBS created documentary.

"I would have been so scared if i was there ....and if i was the only woman ...well...one can only imagine what some of the men would do !"

"thankfully a woman would never be chosen for an expedition such as this as they don't have the mental or physical strength to survive..."

"I'd like to see a group of women attempting this. Fat chance haha."

"LESBIAN FUCKWIT."

Trolls. You have to have a small mind and possibly even a smaller dick to start puking stupid in the comments section of a documentary that is a testament to what the human spirit can endure. Study after study about this sort of thing on the Internet tells us that people leave these comments because they can. The chance of ever meeting the person you left an insensitive comment for in the "real world" is slim. So slim that why not type out the cruelest thing you can think of? All this modern communication technology has exposed a mean spirited streak in human nature. Nothing too surprising there. What amazes me time and time again about this is the fact that it takes effort to be a dick. If you don't agree with someone then you don't agree. If you aren't interested in reasonable conversation but instead are looking to get a rise out of people, like Matt the Troll with his overprotective Mom, you are the problem. Also, if a stand-up comic is making you angry about something you believe in, its not the comics fault that you cannot articulate why it bothers you. That probably means the comedian exposed something in your faith, beliefs or concept about the world that terrifies you because...its true.

Big Picture?

I live on the fourth floor in a building thats seen better days. The elevator looks like something out of a 19th century steam punk nightmare. Unless the inner and outer doors of the frequently out of order contraption are closed properly then pushing the button in the lobby will only result in the sound of metal clunking and nothing much else.
I pushed the button a few times because it takes a few clicks before it works. After a futile 30 seconds I decide Im going to make the climb up the stairs. When I get to the fourth floor a girl stands at the now closed doors and descending elevator and says, "Oh, did you need the elevator?"
I say "No! Why would someone who lives on the fourth floor be pressing the button for the elevator in the lobby?"
Her eyes sort of go wide and then I walk away.

For all the talk about San Francisco changing and becoming more selfish it finally dawned on me whats really happening. Almost everyone in this city agrees on the larger social issues; racism is wrong, sexism is wrong and just about every other social ill that ends with an "isim" is wrong. What people seem to be failing at is thinking about how their actions might impact other people at the one on one level. You know, like holding an elevator door open when you can hear someone pushing the button downstairs?

Ever see San Francisco residents wearing peace symbols, drinking fair trade coffee on their way to a protest that will stop traffic for moral reasons get pissed when the bus they're on has to stop to pick up a person in a wheel chair? Its like vegetarians in leather pants. By the way, I do know a vegetarian who wore leather pants and when I asked her how she could be cool with that she simple said that she didn't eat the cows. Ah, I see. Killing and eating a cow is wrong but wearing their skin as pants is OK?
Whatever.

Point is, people will come together to rage against the big issues facing society but if they all go to the same protest there is bound to be a fight because someone is going to walk into someone else while they were looking at their texts.
Cheers…

That Unsettling Feeling of Resentment and Desire

Like so many other comics before me, I've driven to gigs only to be told it was canceled or the agreed upon amount I was to be paid suddenly wasn't so agreed upon anymore. Ive been booked at clubs and asked to work bellow my abilities because they want the headliner to look good. Ive been booked on gigs and fired because the social commentary stand-up they hired from San Francisco did social commentary comedy from San Francisco. And all of it, all of the professional and personal slights that come along with it, you put up with because someday, or so the theory goes, you will be the big name headliner.

Some of the hardest moments have been watching an ex-girlfriend get a glowing introduction about how amazing she is and how everyone loves her. She disguised every trace of being in a relationship with me while it was happening with lies to everyone because if people found out we were together it would be bad for her image. Thats what she told me.

A few years ago, when Comedy Central taped specials at the Fillmore, one of the producers told me to let the laughs I was getting start to fade before going into my next joke because everything was being recorded and some of the laughter I was generating could later be used to "sweeten the mix" for the other performers.

Those last two incidents hurt but one was private and one was professional. A few weeks ago I booked a gig. I should never have said yes to it. For the first time an intensely personal wound opened up again and I also realized there was no way I could be professional hosting the show. Sure, I could of called the booker and backed out but instead I thought, lets send a rambling drunk message at 4AM letting him know. Yup. I did that.

If you are a young comic you are going to see friends and ass-holes get something you wanted and that unsettling sicking feeling of resentment and desire will explode in your chest. Thats been hard to deal with over the years. I remember being on the road in the mid-west, two months of mostly shit one nighters in Casinos and C comedy clubs still holding onto the 80's, staying at my oldest sisters home. Over and over again, as I wondered why the hell I am out here again, I would see TV commercials for an ex-roommates show. It was bad enough that all the shitty little gigs I was doing were shitty little gigs but to see commercial after commercial with him on it….man, it fed not a hatred for him but a sullen reminder that I did something wrong. You see, a decade earlier, we were best friends and roommates. It was because of my difficulty letting go of a girlfriend who was fueling my addictions that he lost respect for me. I think I remember the moment when I saw exactly that in his eyes. Eventually, we broke up and I cleaned up. I still had a good name in the local comedy scene, still had money in the bank, a day job and hope for the future but I no longer had my roommate and friend. I went to him. One of the few times in my life I took a chance at showing emotion to another man. I told him I missed him and his friendship.
It changed nothing. It hurt then and it hurts any time I think about it still.

Thats the headliner I was booked to open for.

If you think you have felt every sort of emotion this crazy business can produce in you; wait. One day you might be asked to open for an ex-friend that has not only "made it" but has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you. If that day comes do yourself a favor and just say you already have another gig that night.

Show Me the Money!

I did a guest set at a club in town a few years ago. As the show continued and I stood in back by the bar, a woman from the audience came up to me and said "hey, I didn't get my drink order." I smiled and said, "I don't work here." She got mad and said, "Yes you do! I just saw you on stage!"

"What?" I asked.

"You work here and I want my drinks!"

"OK, did a comic take your order, seat you at your table or bring your food to you?"

"No." She said.

If it weren't for the manager coming over who knows where this would of gone.

Frankly, I will take that level of disrespect over waiting on a check for a gig. Oh well.

I walked away from a gig last month because two people were there for the show. Not only did I not get paid for the gig or even get gas money for the two hour round trip drive, but the couple, whose date night we ruined by not performing, went on Yelp to complain about my lack of professionalism. They were there. They could of come up to me, the booker, the other comic, the bar manager or owner and asked what was happening, but instead, because its the age of communication we live in, they decided to bitch about their night being ruined on line. Beautiful. Im not sure exactly how good or bad the show would of been with two people sitting as far away from the 'stage' as possible but after 20 years in comedy Im not going to dance for two people for two hundred dollars and pretend that its fun. Im worth more and honestly, those two people deserved more, too. 

I did a private holiday party for a small company in Sacramento. Before I went on the guy who hired me said, "do you mind if I post date the check two weeks out?"

My reply, "Ah, no. Not if you don't mind if I only do the set-ups to the jokes and come back in two weeks to deliver the punch lines?"

I got a check dated for that day.

All in a days work for a stand-up. 

The Game of Thrones problem.

I was on the road somewhere, bored in a hotel room, when I found a Law & Order marathon. The episode started with a view of a playground. Small kids play on the equipment as parents watch from the side. Suddenly, the unmistakeable sound of a gun can be heard and a child, no older than 5, falls to the grass. More shots, more children fall as the screaming starts. People start to run, the scene goes black and the Law & Order theme music comes on. 

I shut the TV off. That was it. I realized that so much of my entertainment involved seeing the worst things people can do to each other. Sure, its all pretend and no one is actually hurt, but after seeing so much of what is considered quality TV drama, I suddenly saw it as nothing more than a type of porn. Are we learning anything from all this or do we just want to see these things? What is it about human nature that serious crime has dropped over the last few decades but TV shows seem filled ever more depictions of crime? 

I can't answer any of these questions for myself. I thought about them because I am a huge Game of Thrones fan. Spoiler alert, last week, on the show, a young woman was raped. It was a very hard thing to watch. As someone pointed out to me on Facebook, any scene of rape SHOULD be difficult to watch and if you did feel disgust afterwards that probably means you still have some humanity beating inside you no matter how much of a cynic you think you are.

A lot of people, fans and friends, have said they are done with the show. My first impulse was to defend a show Im a fan of. But then I thought about turning off that Law & Order episode in that hotel room all those years ago. I get it. People feel what they feel and no amount of debate is going to change that. 

Of Dildos and Politics

I posted a photo on Facebook of a bunch of classic Mickey Mouse statues with the caption, Republican front runners for the 2016 White House run. Of course, some people were offended some people were amused and one person suggested that instead of Mickey Mouse I should find a photo of dildos. You can Google photos of dildos & vibrators and have a wide variety to pick from. The thing is, unlike the Republican front runners for 2016, they come in all different colors. Never mind the differences in size, special attachments and unique designs dildos literally come in a rainbow of colors.

We live in an interesting time in an interesting society. People are more accepting of the different colored plastic they are sticking in their holes than of real people of different colors who are tired of being lectured to by ass-holes. 

I think thats the moral of the story.

Things I Said On Stage That Started a Heckler

I imagine, someday in the far future, an alien ship landing on Earth to survey the ruins. They might wonder why this happened or why other creatures might do this to each other but they won't wonder how it was done as one of them steps on an unexploded land mine.

Einstein, married his cousin.

Why is the expiration date on a bottle of vodka shorter than the expiration date on a bottle of water? Why does water have an expiration date on it? Did I just drink a lake before it went bad?

Yes baby, I'm totally fine that Jesus is your personal lord & savior. Just remember, I can't walk on water but like him, I can drink wine.

I saw a car in front of me with a pro-libertarian message. He was stopped at a red light. I pulled up next to him and yelled out my window "Hypocrite!"

Americans new found love of all things bacon is really just secret hatred for Muslims. You know that, right? I'm no fan of any religion but if Americans have proved anything in the modern world, its that you can't have hatred in your heart and high cholesterol. Bacon is killing more Americans every year than terrorists but one is the enemy and one is our right to have!

Walking around with a loaded gun to show your support for the Second Amendment is like yelling Fire, in a crowded theatre to show your support for the First Amendment.

Some military bases do not have to follow any environmental protection laws. Thats why traces of rocket fuel can still be found in the breast milk of of mothers in America. Doesn't every god loving patriot want a third arm to hold a flag? Your damn right they do! and if its a flipper…you join the Navy, son!

If humans ever do manage to create actual artificial intelligence, I think the first thing it would do would be to sit us down and just like your parents eventually had to explain that Santa and the easter bunny weren't real, god isn't real either.

I believe alien beings created crop circles. Not as a way to communicate with us but as warning signs to other galactic travelers. What do I mean? I think aliens aboard a UFO see a crop circle and feel pretty much the same way I feel driving my car on the highway and I see a road sign for Fresno.

Dude, what you order at the drive-thru window tonight is you gonna kill you faster than any terrorist might!